I’m almost ready to take my first trip in my new trailer. I am having moments of excitement and moments of extreme anxiety. All of the dreaming, planning, and preparing to take off into the unknown have me wallowing in fear: doubting that I can do this, feelings of being unsafe traveling alone, running out of money, scared of everything associated with my disability. What if I get sick? What if I injure myself? What if My car or trailer breaks down? What if I physically can’t handle this? What if I mentally can’t handle this?
I have struggled with some depression and anxiety at different times in life. These feelings can come and go, but if you have ever experienced being in that head space it feels like you will feel that way forever. I can feel lost, hopeless, unloved, unimportant, a failure at everything, and worthless. I tend to start plotting my escape.
So am I fleeing now? Is this “big adventure” just a cover for the unrest I feel with my life? I could argue that this is not at all like the times I’ve fled before. This is well planned and not a knee-jerk reaction to a particularly depressive state of mind. But, that wouldn’t be completely true. I planned for this depression, anxiety, and despair. For over a year I’ve plotted out an escape for the intense feelings I knew would come. I wanted a distraction. I see empty nester friends doing the same thing in many different ways. Distract! Distract! Distract! Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel!
My challenge is that I’ve been experiencing an increased amount of pain in the past month. I have severe pain in my right hip that I can’t work out some days. I have trouble walking across the room. I have not been able to get myself or my trailer ready because of too many of these days. Having a working right hip and leg is pretty important for driving across the country, don’t you think?
I will try a shorter trip to see how I do. Although, I’m yearning to get to the desert southwest to see if the climate helps my pain. It’s GO time, and I’m having cold feet. I hope my next post will be from the road. I know this will be a tremendous a challenge. I’m counting on my support system to help me in times of stress and rejoice with me in times of triumph.
Are you in? I hope so, because I won’t be able to do it without you. Who wants me to pack you along for the ride? Onward Ho!!!
HappyTrailsAlong 
How lovely to find your post in my inbox this morning! You wordsmith so well all those challenging thoughts and feelings I can’t pin down, it’s such a delight to follow. I’m in! Adventurer from my armchair, curled up with a hot cup of cocoa, newly energized to step up and dive into the next chore on my list. Onward, Melanie! Take us with you!
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EXCELLENT BLOG POST! There is power in the sharing and through it you will find people who are experiencing, or have experienced (I’m raising my hand here!) many of the things that you describe. I honor and admire you for the things you are challenging yourself to do and overcome, all of which have been Divinely Ordered for your greater unfoldment. Congrats on all of it! (And let’s talk!)
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